Lifestyle!

1 – What do you look for in a man?
A) Good looks.
B) A good sense of humour.
C) Intelligence.
D) A fit, healthy body.
E) All of the above!!!

2 – What would be your perfect first date?
A) Wined, dined, then taken for a romantic stroll.
B) Night at the piccies (my choice of film!).
C) First date? I’m a straight-to-the-bedroom gal!
D) Hit the clubs – get all sweaty and intimate without icky sex goo!
E) Take away and a DVD at my place – start as we mean to go on!

3 – Mmm! What is your favourite food?
A) Italian – the food of romance!
B) Food is for fatties, loser!
C) A good curry (and get me a beer with it!)!!
D) Chinese. Waistline: me so solly!!!
E) Ice cream!

4 – You have a free Saturday – what are you doing (What is your favourite pastime?)
A) Born to shop!
B) Meeting with friends for coffee, and maybe a cheeky cake!
C) Down the pub with the lads watching footie! Yeah! I’m a ladette, me!
D) I spend all day in bed with my man, chilling.
E) Out and about in the countryside, getting active!

5 – What’s your pick of the flicks?
A) Bridget Jones.
B) Dirty Dancing.
C) Bridget Jones 2: Edge of Reason.
D) The best bits of Bridget Jones and Dirty Dancing spliced together.
E) Scanners.

6 – Would you like some lovely, cutesy, ickle angelic children?
A) Yes – lots!
B) Yes – 1.
C) Yes, but not yet.
D) Yes, but I’m barren.
E) No. There’s something deeply wrong with me.

7 – What is your ideal career?
A) Secretary.
B) Personal Assistant.
C) High-flying, go-getting, jet-setting ball-breaker!
D) Housewife.
E) Admin assistant.

7 – If you could be any celebrity, who would you be?
A) Angelina Jolie – a loving mum with a sexy hubby!
B) Kate Moss – fashion icon!
C) Denise van Outen – great!
D) Posh – brilant!
E) Margeret Thatcher – power woman!

The Results!!

Mostly As – Hanging
You wait until your flatmate leaves for work. You bought the rope from B&Q last week and now you make a good strong noose, following the directions you found on Google. You’ve decided on the spare bedroom, as you don’t want to soil the nice rug in your room when your bowels give up. Taking one last look across the back gardens of suburbia, you kick off the kitchen chair and cast off into oblivion.

Mostly Bs – Hosepipe on the exhaust
The Renault Clio that once seem to symbolise your youthful freedom and zeal now represents a yoke around your debt-ridden neck, so it seems only fitting that it becomes your eternal tomb. Nowhere to go in it, and no-one to accompany you, you grind a path between your depressing Barratt semi and your depressing 70s office. But not after today: take a deep breath, and go where Weight Watchers cannot follow.

Mostly Cs – Pills and booze
Always a last-minute kinda gal, you get an idea and run with it! You come home from the club alone yet again to a cat who despises you and a half-eaten Mullerrice. All the girls are younger than you and all your friends are married and disguise their pity less and less these days. You will ALWAYS be alone. Why not just keep going – another vodka, then another, a few prozac…imagine their guilt when they find your sick-spattered, mascara-streaked dead face. You don’t owe anyone anything - live (die) for yourself!

Mostly Ds – Drowning
You’ve worked hard on that beach bod – why not give everyone a good long last look? Nothing tightens ageing skin like cold water, and Britain’s coastlines have that in spades! The only downside is if you wash-up somewhere ultra-unfashionable, like Bridlington, so make sure to check those current and tide charts before setting out for your self-inflected watery doom!

Mostly Es – Seppuku
Not heard of it? You will have soon! Seppuku is HOT! Straight out of Japan (as all the best things are!), this is how all the coolest girls are checking out this season. You’ve always been a little different – here’s the way to really stand out! Muji has a gorgeous new line of ceremonial swords, and a range of robes to DIE for (in)!! Prices start from £54.99 for the Starter Set – see page 129 for stockists.