1 – What do you look for in a man?
A) Good looks.
B) A good sense of humour.
C) Intelligence.
D) A fit, healthy body.
E) All of the above!!!
2 – What would be your perfect first date?
A) Wined, dined, then taken for a romantic stroll.
B) Night at the piccies (my choice of film!).
C) First date? I’m a straight-to-the-bedroom gal!
D) Hit the clubs – get all sweaty and intimate without icky sex goo!
E) Take away and a DVD at my place – start as we mean to go on!
3 – Mmm! What is your favourite food?
A) Italian – the food of romance!
B) Food is for fatties, loser!
C) A good curry (and get me a beer with it!)!!
D) Chinese. Waistline: me so solly!!!
E) Ice cream!
4 – You have a free Saturday – what are you doing (What is your favourite pastime?)
A) Born to shop!
B) Meeting with friends for coffee, and maybe a cheeky cake!
C) Down the pub with the lads watching footie! Yeah! I’m a ladette, me!
D) I spend all day in bed with my man, chilling.
E) Out and about in the countryside, getting active!
5 – What’s your pick of the flicks?
A) Bridget Jones.
B) Dirty Dancing.
C) Bridget Jones 2: Edge of Reason.
D) The best bits of Bridget Jones and Dirty Dancing spliced together.
E) Scanners.
6 – Would you like some lovely, cutesy, ickle angelic children?
A) Yes – lots!
B) Yes – 1.
C) Yes, but not yet.
D) Yes, but I’m barren.
E) No. There’s something deeply wrong with me.
7 – What is your ideal career?
A) Secretary.
B) Personal Assistant.
C) High-flying, go-getting, jet-setting ball-breaker!
D) Housewife.
E) Admin assistant.
7 – If you could be any celebrity, who would you be?
A) Angelina Jolie – a loving mum with a sexy hubby!
B) Kate Moss – fashion icon!
C) Denise van Outen – great!
D) Posh – brilant!
E) Margeret Thatcher – power woman!
The Results!!
Mostly As – Hanging
You wait until your flatmate leaves for work. You bought the rope from B&Q last week and now you make a good strong noose, following the directions you found on Google. You’ve decided on the spare bedroom, as you don’t want to soil the nice rug in your room when your bowels give up. Taking one last look across the back gardens of suburbia, you kick off the kitchen chair and cast off into oblivion.
Mostly Bs – Hosepipe on the exhaust
The Renault Clio that once seem to symbolise your youthful freedom and zeal now represents a yoke around your debt-ridden neck, so it seems only fitting that it becomes your eternal tomb. Nowhere to go in it, and no-one to accompany you, you grind a path between your depressing Barratt semi and your depressing 70s office. But not after today: take a deep breath, and go where Weight Watchers cannot follow.
Mostly Cs – Pills and booze
Always a last-minute kinda gal, you get an idea and run with it! You come home from the club alone yet again to a cat who despises you and a half-eaten Mullerrice. All the girls are younger than you and all your friends are married and disguise their pity less and less these days. You will ALWAYS be alone. Why not just keep going – another vodka, then another, a few prozac…imagine their guilt when they find your sick-spattered, mascara-streaked dead face. You don’t owe anyone anything - live (die) for yourself!
Mostly Ds – Drowning
You’ve worked hard on that beach bod – why not give everyone a good long last look? Nothing tightens ageing skin like cold water, and Britain’s coastlines have that in spades! The only downside is if you wash-up somewhere ultra-unfashionable, like Bridlington, so make sure to check those current and tide charts before setting out for your self-inflected watery doom!
Mostly Es – Seppuku
Not heard of it? You will have soon! Seppuku is HOT! Straight out of Japan (as all the best things are!), this is how all the coolest girls are checking out this season. You’ve always been a little different – here’s the way to really stand out! Muji has a gorgeous new line of ceremonial swords, and a range of robes to DIE for (in)!! Prices start from £54.99 for the Starter Set – see page 129 for stockists.
story
Lifestyle!
Submitted by Duchess on Mon, 20/08/2007 - 10:43pm.
Simon And The Tiger
Submitted by Barrington on Fri, 29/06/2007 - 6:27pm.Once there was a man named Simon Tarmac. As his name suggests, Simon had a job in the zoo shovelling dung from the elephant enclosure. Simon loved his job. Not many people would be happy shovelling dung all day, but Simon was truly in his element. Of course, dung is not strictly an element, but that didn’t bother Simon. He was literally as happy as pig on the Moon.
Simon was very proud of his job. He had bought himself a special plaque which he had hung on the wall of his office. The plaque said “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it would be an advantage if you weren’t put off by the smell of dung!!” Simon thought that was very funny indeed. He loved the smell of dung. He thought it smelled of life, passion, and fire.
Once, Simon’s bosses bought him a special ‘golden dung’ statuette as a token of their appreciation for all his hard work. The statuette looked like dung, but it did not have the smell or texture of real dung. Simon was a bit nervous of the statue, a bit similar to the way that some people are scared of androids, or are nervous around a dead body.
One day, Simon was shovelling the dung out of the elephant enclosure as usual, singing “The Dung Song” to himself, and feeling content in the knowledge he was doing something he loved, when his dung shovel hit something unexpected. With all his experience Simon knew the different textures of dung and could tell what was what just from a light scrape of the shovel, but this was something different.
He knelt down and, sure enough, in the middle of the dung pellet a white powder was mixed in with the usual fecal matter. He grabbed a handful and gave it a chew. It was as he suspected. The white powder was high grade uncut cocaine!
Simon marched straight over to confront the chief elephant about what he had found. The chief elephant, whose name was Alan Giraffe, took one look at the white powder and burst into tears.
“It’s all true,” said Alan Giraffe. “I went back to
Simon Tarmac was touched by Alan Giraffe’s story, but he knew his duty. He reported the crime to the zoo police department and Alan Giraffe was hanged to death the next day, as was required by the law. After the execution, Simon Tarmac was given one of Alan’s tusks to remember him, as was requested by the elephant before he died.
Even though Simon had done what was right, he felt uneasy. The real villain in this story was the tiger who turned Alan to drug smuggling in the first place. He decided there and then, he was going to hunt down that tiger and make him pay for what he had done. He marched into the zookeeper’s office and handed in a holiday form for three weeks, starting immediately. The zookeeper was happy to sign off the form, as Simon had not had a day off in over fifteen years, not even for sickness.
When Simon arrived in
“I want to make you an offer,” said the tiger, whose name was Rupert Bandy. “I will give you money in exchange for you smuggling some delicious cocaine for me. It’s quite easy, why just the other week I made an elephant a similar offer. What was his name? Yes that’s right, his name was Alan Giraffe.”
“YOU SON OF A BITCH,” screamed Simon Tarmac, and he flew at Rupert Bandy in a terrible rage. But Rupert Bandy was a tiger, which made him pretty tough, and he soon got the better of poor Simon.
“So be it,” said the tiger. “You have turned down my kind offer, now you must pay the price. I am going to take you into this side room here and rape you in the arse.”
Rupert Bandy dragged Simon Tarmac through a door into a small office and pinned him down as he ripped off Simon’s shirt, his trousers and finally pulled down his pants. Excitedly the tiger started to run his tongue over Simon’s twitchy bum-hole.
“Oh crumbs, this is it,” thought Simon to himself. Suddenly he felt something pressing into his chest. It was Alan Giraffe’s tusk, which he had been wearing around his neck on a bit of string. Over a foot long, made of strong ivory, and with a viciously sharp point, this gave Simon an idea….
Five minutes later, Simon was sliding the tusk rapidly in and out of Rupert Bandy’s moist anus. Then, Rupert did the same to Simon’s anus. Then they sucked each other’s cocks. Then they kissed passionately. Then they made love once more. “This is wonderful,” said Simon as the tiger licked his ballbag. “I’m never going back to that fucking zoo to shovel shit again!!”
And you know what? He never did.
The End
Cheeky Philip and the Sad Fish - A Children's Story
Submitted by Timbus on Thu, 28/06/2007 - 11:57am.
There once lived a man named Philip. Now young Philip was quite the cheeky individual - in fact his actions rarely registered at less than 2.5 on the cheek-o-checker. He was widely regarded as the cheekiest man in the West Midlands. Philip was an enthusiatic individual indeed. His manner in itself warmed those around him, and created an aura of wellbeing. Newsround Presspacker Ian Simms (9) recently reported on his relentlessly positive personality as that of "a diamond in the rough", and described him as "someone that - being well-adjusted, sufficiently self-aware and introspective; a beautiful and constant neon tetra in a world often filled with ugly, montrous catfish - never lost faith in humanity and the underlying beauty of those around him." And never has an aquarium-based metaphor been more apt than preceding this story, the story of Philip and the fish he met on a blustery day one hectic Winter. Cheerily walking in the freezing cold weather, Philip was on his way to the ophanage to raise those little orphans up with his cheeky antics. Indeed, once he'd brought delight to the whole building with his fire breathing skills, even if Timmy Terryson had accidentally been set alight that day, haha! (R.I.P. Timmy) Philip's otherwise quiet and eventless morning was interrupted with a faint sound from the river beside him. "Help!" Never one to shy away from someone in need, Philip rushed to the water and searched for the child he'd expected to find inside. It. Frantically looking back and forth, then back again, and forth once more, then once more back to be absolutely sure, then one final time to satisfy his OCD, Philip was unable to detect a person in need of any description! And yet the cries continued! "Help!" Philip was distraught - had he somehow been struck with a never-before-seen condition whereby everything in the world was exactly as it was before except for some reason he couldn't see children with no other ill-effects whatsoever? He decided that was probably not the case. "Help!" Again - there it was! Kneeling down, Philip put his face, like, really close to the water. His now well-close-to-the-water face was able to see things via his seductive, deep, sexy brown eyes much better. The owner of the voice was... a fish! Philip held out his ever-accomodating hands to help the fish, which quickly jumped from the water and landed upon't. His hands. Puzzled, Philip looked down to the fish. He felt sad vibes from it and instantly wanted to help it from its predicamo... predicami... profosfosfo... he wanted to help solve its problem. "Little blue fish from the wondrous sea, now what pray-tell do you ask of me?" "You not speak me in rhyme, Philip. I am jus' fish, fish that need Philip help." "I... I thought I had to speak in rhyme. Sorry." "That's sea-birds." His brow furrowed. "Oh... how hideously ignorant of me. I'm sorry." An awkward silence joined the fish's annoyed look. A few seconds passed before the fish spoke again. "Aww, Philip, my fin. It no work, Philip. Philip!" The fish writhed in a mixture of pain, frustration, and also probably because he was out of water and fish need water to live. "Let me have a look," instructed Philip. He gently lifted, then looked at, the fish's fin. Unfortunately his fish expertise didn't match his expertise with little boy's willies. Many a boy's willy had he healed with his sexy hands. "Why my fin no work, Philip? Why it no work? Why?" A small, salty tear formed in his sexy, sexy eye and dropped seductively down his curvy - yet lithe - body. "I... I don't know. I'm... I'm afraid there's not much I can do." The fish's spasms began to increase. "Philllllip! Why my fin no work! Philip touch my fin! Harder! Harder! Too hard! Phillllip!" Just then, inspiration struck Philip. He gently kissed the fish on its face and whispered for it not to worry. He scooped the fish into his arms and ran. He ran like he'd never ran before. He arrived home and dropped the fish into his bowl. A fish that could only swim in circles would have purpose in his home, in his bowl. He'd have that new pet he wanted and the fish could be happy again. Philip dropped a few flakes into the bowl and smiled as his new friend hungrily gobbled them down. "Philip, I love you Philip!" Never before had Philip felt his presence in this cold, calculating world so justified. A day later the fish died because it was a saltwater fish. Also, a week after that Philip got beaten up really badly and died.
A Complete Guide To James Bond
Submitted by mr_twig on Thu, 31/05/2007 - 1:45pm.Hey guys, here's my Expert's Guide to the exciting new James Bond franchise that's sweeping the world! Hope you enjoy it, and remember I probably know more about James Bond than anyone else because I'm an expert! Like P said to James Bond once, 'You were only supposed to blow the fucking doors off!'
#0: Casino Royale (The Original)
The ORIGINAL (not the new REMAKE, guys!) version of Casino Royale. It wasn't an official James Bond 007 film but it should be in this list anyway as a useful historical document.
#1: Dr. No
"Do you expect me to talk!"
"No Mr Bond 007, because I am Dr. No and answer everything in the negative. That's my gimmick!"
#2: From Russia with Love
The old saying goes "First the worst, second the best" I think this applies to James Bond films except there's more than 2 of them and every one keeps getting better what do you think!
#3: Goldfinger
I like it when the fat scots man says 'I farted', that is my best memory of this film. How about you guys!
#4: Thunderball
This is a really cool film with the exploding volcano and Pierce Brosnan running away from the lava and spectacular special effects, although they look rubbish on the TV. You should try to catch it at the cinema if it's still on!
#5: You Only Live Twice
The title of this film might be a lie, my rabbit died and I'm still waiting for it to live twice. She smells of rotting but I love her more every day. I can't wait for her to live twice! What do you think about the theory of reincarnation, which the film is based around?
#6: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
This never happened to the other fella this never happened to the other fella this never happened to the other fella
This film is the best for me because James Bond gets married and I love a happy ending!!!
#7: Diamonds Are Forever
This one features Sean Connery as James Bond's dad! I think James Bond is still on his honeymoon from the last film or something.
#8: Live And Let Die
What do you think about this film? I don't really watch James Bond films so I can't comment.
#9: The Man With The Golden Gun
This film is great because it was the inspiration for the Dreamcast game 'Goldeneye' which is one of my favourite games EVER because it has a golden gun in it which kills people with one shot! It's also got Odd Job in it who evades capture by shuffling around on the floor on his knees because everyone knows that tall old James Bond 007 can't shoot downwards!
#10: The Spy Who Loved Me
Making more than twice as much money at the box office as its predcessor, this film was a total failure because it was released in 1977 when Star Wars (v1) was released. To be honest Star Wars was a much better film because James Bond doesn't have spaceships in it, apart from the one set in space which does have that.
#11: Moonraker
Gnash! Gnash! Don't worry guys I haven't gone mad! I'm gnashing my teeth as if they were made out of metal! Gnash! This was the highest-grossing James Bond 007 film yet, and remained the highest-grossing one until Goldeneye came out - which means it is the best!
#12: For Your Eyes Only
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY features mythical beasts which only James Bond 007 can see, and he has to kill them because they are FOR HIS EYES ONLY so nobody else can do anything about it!
#12.5: Never Say Never Again
This one doesn't count as a Bond film for some reason. I think it's because Bond wees in a man's eyes.
#13: Octopussy
This features Roger Moore playing James Bond's dad! The title is a bit rude so my dad wouldn't let me watch it.
#14: A View To A Kill
My dad says he saw Roger Moore getting into a fight outside Barnados in Cardiff, but I didn't believe him. Features Christopher Walker as the headless horseman! It's pretty scary!
#15: The Living Daylights
I tried to watch this one at Christmas but my mum got ill from eating too much turkey. I think it might have been because she drank 9 gin and tonics but she says it was the turkey. Anyway we had to take her to hospital to get her stomach pumped so I missed it. Mum says you can get alcohol poisoning from turkey because of the cranberry sauce.
#16: License To Kill
John Peterson tackles the legal system after his daughter is killed in a drink driving accident caused by successful businessman, Tom Fiske.
#17: GoldenEye
It's like goldfinger, where that guy turns things to gold with his fingers, but in this one he's been mutated (they got the idea from X-Men) and anything he looks at turns to gold! He has to be careful not to blink otherwise his eyelids turn to gold and he has to have them surgically removed again.
The highlight is when he looks at the sun and it turns to gold and crashes into the car park outside his secret lair.
#18: Tomorrow Never Dies
Bill Murray stars as James Bond, and he can't get to tomorrow until he sleeps with loads of women and saves that kid from falling from that tree.
"You never say thank you!"
#19: The World Is Not Enough
The theme tune is the best ever because it's by Garbage and even though they are called Garbage they are not rubbish! They are BRILLIANT! I can't remember who is in this one, I think it's got Sean Bean in it and he gets drunk and has to sleep in a park where James Bond 007 finds him and turns him into a crime-fighting Yorkshire drunkard. Brilliant!
#20: Die Another Day Die Another Day is the twentieth James Bond film made by EON Productions and the fourth and final film to star Pierce Brosnan as Ian Fleming's James Bond. It was released in 2002 and produced by Bond veterans Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli. It is the first film not to feature Desmond Llewelyn as Q since Live and Let Die (1973) due to his death in December of 1999.
Die Another Day, being the twentieth Bond film and also being released the year of the Bond film franchise's "40th Anniversary," pays homage in some sort of way to every previous official James Bond film [1]. It also additionally references several Fleming novels as well as novels by other official Bond authors.
The film opens with Bond infiltrating the organization of Colonel Tan-Sun Moon, a North Korean army officer who is illegally selling military weaponry in exchange for African conflict diamonds. Bond is betrayed by an agency mole, resulting in a massive shootout/chase around the area. Colonel Moon is apparently killed after falling over a waterfall, and Bond is captured by the North Korean military, where he is tortured for fourteen months. Disavowed by his superiors upon his release, Bond sets out to find the mole on his own. His search eventually leads to billionaire businessman Gustav Graves, who is actually Colonel Moon surgically altered via gene therapy. (The film's title, Die Another Day, refers to Colonel Moon surviving his first encounter with 007. Upon meeting him later in the film Bond comments, "So you lived to die another day.")
Graves' scheme, reminiscent of Diamonds Are Forever, Moonraker and GoldenEye, involves the construction of Icarus, an orbital mirror system made of diamonds that will supposedly focus solar energy on a small area to light the Arctic nights and, if the investment goes well with buyers, provide year-round sunshine for crop development. In truth the orbital mirror system is actually a superweapon designed to clear a path through the minefield in the demilitarized zone that separates North Korea from South Korea. North Korea would be able to invade South Korea, Japan, and other surrounding nations. Icarus would also be used to defend North Korea while it invades, by destroying any ballistic missile or nuclear warhead fired on North Korea or their troops, thus foiling any large scale retaliation from their enemies.
Bond, with the aid of NSA agent Jinx (played by Halle Berry), defeats Gustav Graves, whose other major techno-toy is an exoskeleton equipped with a high-voltage electric weapon, and prevents global catastrophe. Frost, Graves' assistant, who is purportedly working for MI6, is eventually revealed to be the mole within the agency.
#21: Casino Royale (The Remake)
I haven't seen this film, but here is my picture of what I have been told the ending of Casino Royale (the remake) is like - I've got friends in the industry! Jonathan Ross's brother Paul told me it's going to be a no-holds barred action spectacular not to be missed and that I would be on the edge of my seat - not my words guys, the words of television's Paul Ross off of 'No Win No Fee'!
Anyway this is exactly what it looks like. SPOILER WARNING!
A personal fantasy
Submitted by Timbus on Tue, 29/05/2007 - 10:37am.
I'd love to visit the Derbyshire Dales, Dove Dale specifically, to walk amongst its hills and valleys, away from man's destructive touch. Not a road nor building in sight, its splendour filling me with awe and hope. I'd walk and gaze and slip (oops!) and wear myself out but I'd feel satisfied. I'd be tired, but satisfied.
At the end of the day, before it starts to get dark, I'd traverse the edge of a hill and come to an unusually flat area. Not entirely flat, but a unique place amongst the rolling surroundings.
I'd see a fire engine, parked. How it got there I'd struggle to comprehend. My thoughts wouldn't linger though, as from the fire engine a group of men begin to emerge. They walk around the truck, and it becomes clear that they are accompanied by somebody who certainly isn't one of them. Grossly rotund, beastly even, this man has an unerring grin upon his face. Meeting his gaze, I'd feel a great evil upon me. I'd shut my eyes quickly and pray and finally the feeling would drift away, but never from all the warlocks and wizards of the land had such darkness been felt.
I'd come to, having no idea how much time had passed, but looking up I'd see him there still, surrounded by the masked firemen. The masks were for their protection. I'd be sure not to meet his gaze again.
They'd poke and taunt him, but his grin wouldn't subside. They'd push him and force cow dung into his fatty crevices, but still his monstrous smirk would remain.
I'd stare in wonder as they rip his clothes from him, as he stands there naked but for the smile on his face. I'd crouch aghast as they push him to the floor, and two men begin to unroll the hose on the fire engine. A third begins to turn the tap, and the end of the hose begins to dribble. As the large round tap rotates time and again, like the constantly regenerating - specially made - table of food this man spends most of his time at, the pressure increases and the hose begins to emit a great gushing of water.
As the stream of water meets his face, the men begin to cheer. I'd begin to hypothesise on exactly what they were cheering at, but the cheers would soon subside as the hose is brought away... his grin remaining.
The men would roar and shout in frustration and begin to fight amonst themselves. Two would die.
In time calm, they'd reach some kind of agreement. They'd remove the man's arms and begin to aim the hose at his midriff. The pressure would be increased until the tap would go no further, and the man would finally begin to roll backwards. He'd roll back and forth, up and down the gentle hill, over and over. His face would turn into view intermittently...
His grin remaining.
The Story Of Gypsum
Submitted by Barrington on Wed, 23/05/2007 - 6:21pm.GYPSUM! Where would we be without it? For thousands of years mankind has lived alongside this strange and wonderful substance, and nowadays it's hard to imagine life without it. From cars to computers, toasters to dialysis machines, it's no wonder that gypsum is known affectionately throughout the world as the "friend of man".
But where does this mysterious substance come from? How does it get onto your plate, or into your ear? Come with us now on an exciting and wonderful journey through THE STORY OF GYPSUM.
Gypsum begins it's life in a very far away place. In fact, it's not even on planet Earth. Raw, natural gypsum can only be found on Callisto, one of the moons of the planet Jupiter. Here, deep underground exists a mineral called Ur-Gypsum. For over five thousand years brave men have travelled to Callisto to work as space miners and extract the Ur-Gypsum. It's hard work, but when they know that the prize is precious Gypsum then it all becomes worthwhile.
Each cargo of Ur-Gypsum is transported to Earth using giant nuclear powered space barges in a journey that takes at least 5 years. Upon arrival the Ur-Gypsum is loaded onto special secure trains and taken to the Gypsum Processing Laboratory deep in the heart of the Amazon Jungle.
Although the vast majority of the gypsum gets through to the lab, there are criminal gangs at work, stealing the Ur-Gypsum from the trains and selling it on the black market. Did you know that in places like Leeds or Redditch, an ounce of illegal gypsum can have a street value of over £15?
Upon arrival at the lab, a team of the World's best scientists get to work, crafting and refining the Ur-Gypsum in a process that can take up to 3 months. Finally, at the end of the procedure, the Ur-Gypsum is passed through the digestive system of an angry squirrel. This is the final step on the road to creating Gypsum.
A vast distribution network carries the Gypsum to all corners of the world, where it has been enjoyed by families since the dawn of civilisation. So next time you're tucking into a bowl of delicious Gypsum, spare a thought for all the brave people who have given their lives to bring it to you.
GYPSUM! Without it, we'd probably be dead!
COMING SOON: THE ASTOUNDING TALE OF BISMUTH
Fan Fiction: Richard and Judy
Submitted by Timbus on Wed, 23/05/2007 - 2:53pm.Scene One - Restaurant
Judy: This place will do. I'm hungry.
Richard: Commence door opening!
Judy: Thanks for opening the door for me, Richard. I knew marrying you was a good idea.
Richard: Initiate smug algorithm!
Judy: Okay, now we're sitting down and the waiter is coming over, what do you want for your dinner Richard!!!!!
Richard: Bacon!
Richard Bacon enters, looks confused, then leaves.
Judy: Two bacons please, waiter!
Waiter: YES
Richard: Commence waiting! Waiting. waiting.. waiting... waiting complete!
Judy: Let's eat our dinner now oh no Richard you're got bacon all over your new shirt!
Richard: ERROR
Scene Two - Dressing Room, Channel Four Studios
Judy is dancing. She dances and dances. No music is playing. She dances erotically, and begins to rub her portly frame against Richard, sat down.
Richard: Mode select>Mode 4: Aroused; commence erection!
Judy: Richard!!!! Is that a mars bar in your pocket or your throbbing, pulsating penis?
Richard: Suggestive euphemism!
Judy: Oh, Richard!
They kiss.
Judy: Oh no Richard, only three minutes until we are on air!
Richard: Activate premature ejaculation!
Judy: My eyes!
The director enters the room. His head turns as he surveys the room, spying firstly the nude Judy, followed by Richard's now flaccid penis, moving onto the carefully set up "eroticsville" (a chair that Richard sits on during the dances). He turns his head back, and looks at Judy with a questioning look.
Judy: You turny headed prick!
Scene Three - At home.
Richard and Judy are in bed. Judy is reading.
Richard: Activate crotch.
Judy: Richard, no! I'm incredibly tired and in no mood for that. I've had a very tough day down the mines and I need a good night's rest. Okay, honey?
Richard: Redirecting flow of life-force to crotch area...
Judy: Richard!
Richard: Redirecting.
Judy: Richard, I said no!
Richard: Redirecting.. Redirecting...
Judy: Stop it at once!
Richard: Redirection complete.
Judy: Richard, you can't! That is just too much for a woman to take without preparing herself!
Richard: Initiate mounting sequence.
Judy: Argh, Richard, no! Get off me! Argh!
Richard: 10 - Thrust; 20 - Goto 10.
Judy screams
Alan-din
Submitted by Timbus on Tue, 22/05/2007 - 11:35am.
"...and lastly, you can't wish for somebody to fall in love with you." Alan thought long and hard. "Right, I have my first wish." "What is it?" asked the Genie. "I am here to grant you your deepest desire!" "I wish for another genie, exactly the same as you, but without any of the rules. Oh and also it's a hot chick with massive tits and she walks around with her tits out and I get to look at her tits." "GRANTED." And as she materialised, her garguantuan tits swaying as she spun into existence, Alan thought of all the hardships in his life. With a blink and a smile he forgot them all. Gazing upon her tits, Alan opened his mouth to utter his first wish. Her tits twitched in anticipation. He approached and whispered into her ear, gazing down towards her tits as he did so. Alan stared at her now bigger tits as he considered his next move.
Recent comments
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago
29 weeks 5 days ago