vanessa feltz

Philip was an enthusiatic individual indeed. His manner in itself warmed those around him, and created an aura of wellbeing. Newsround Presspacker Ian Simms (9) recently reported on his relentlessly positive personality as that of "a diamond in the rough", and described him as "someone that - being well-adjusted, sufficiently self-aware and introspective; a beautiful and constant neon tetra in a world often filled with ugly, montrous catfish - never lost faith in humanity and the underlying beauty of those around him."

And never has an aquarium-based metaphor been more apt than preceding this story, the story of Philip and the fish he met on a blustery day one hectic Winter.

Cheerily walking in the freezing cold weather, Philip was on his way to the ophanage to raise those little orphans up with his cheeky antics. Indeed, once he'd brought delight to the whole building with his fire breathing skills, even if Timmy Terryson had accidentally been set alight that day, haha! (R.I.P. Timmy)

Philip's otherwise quiet and eventless morning was interrupted with a faint sound from the river beside him.

"Help!"

Never one to shy away from someone in need, Philip rushed to the water and searched for the child he'd expected to find inside. It. Frantically looking back and forth, then back again, and forth once more, then once more back to be absolutely sure, then one final time to satisfy his OCD, Philip was unable to detect a person in need of any description! And yet the cries continued!

"Help!"

Philip was distraught - had he somehow been struck with a never-before-seen condition whereby everything in the world was exactly as it was before except for some reason he couldn't see children with no other ill-effects whatsoever? He decided that was probably not the case.

"Help!"

Again - there it was!

Kneeling down, Philip put his face, like, really close to the water. His now well-close-to-the-water face was able to see things via his seductive, deep, sexy brown eyes much better. The owner of the voice was... a fish! Philip held out his ever-accomodating hands to help the fish, which quickly jumped from the water and landed upon't. His hands.

Puzzled, Philip looked down to the fish. He felt sad vibes from it and instantly wanted to help it from its predicamo... predicami... profosfosfo... he wanted to help solve its problem.

"Little blue fish from the wondrous sea, now what pray-tell do you ask of me?"

"You not speak me in rhyme, Philip. I am jus' fish, fish that need Philip help."

"I... I thought I had to speak in rhyme. Sorry."

"That's sea-birds." His brow furrowed.

"Oh... how hideously ignorant of me. I'm sorry."

An awkward silence joined the fish's annoyed look. A few seconds passed before the fish spoke again.

"Aww, Philip, my fin. It no work, Philip. Philip!" The fish writhed in a mixture of pain, frustration, and also probably because he was out of water and fish need water to live.

"Let me have a look," instructed Philip.

He gently lifted, then looked at, the fish's fin. Unfortunately his fish expertise didn't match his expertise with little boy's willies. Many a boy's willy had he healed with his sexy hands.

"Why my fin no work, Philip? Why it no work? Why?" A small, salty tear formed in his sexy, sexy eye and dropped seductively down his curvy - yet lithe - body.

"I... I don't know. I'm... I'm afraid there's not much I can do."

The fish's spasms began to increase. "Philllllip! Why my fin no work! Philip touch my fin! Harder! Harder! Too hard! Phillllip!"

Just then, inspiration struck Philip. He gently kissed the fish on its face and whispered for it not to worry. He scooped the fish into his arms and ran. He ran like he'd never ran before.

He arrived home and dropped the fish into his bowl. A fish that could only swim in circles would have purpose in his home, in his bowl. He'd have that new pet he wanted and the fish could be happy again.

Philip dropped a few flakes into the bowl and smiled as his new friend hungrily gobbled them down.

"Philip, I love you Philip!"

Never before had Philip felt his presence in this cold, calculating world so justified.

A day later the fish died because it was a saltwater fish.

Also, a week after that Philip got beaten up really badly and died.

Where would we be today without the telephone? Russia. The telephone has been vital to many of the decisions and events that shaped the world as we know it. It's said that America was founded by telephone. And perhaps most famously of all, the Second World War(s) was began (beginned) when German leader Andrew Hitler sent an SMS to Terry Poland of Poland, saying: "r u jokin wots all this about i thought we were frends. war y/n"

Truly, it can be said that the telephone is a wonder of modern design. "Snow" joke!